Born This Way
by Ferowyn
Summary: XMFC Kink Meme Prompt Fill: When Erik dons the helmet, he sees something Charles doesn't even know about.


**Born This Way**

I don't lose control.

I just don't.

Ever.

It's something that's always been clear to me; one aspect of my powers I was never even remotely torn about.

Control is essential.

Control over what my _gift_ does to my own brain as well as other peoples'.

I need to know that it's me who makes those decisions.

I need to…

I need to know that, if it comes to the Worst, I'm able to protect myself and those I love.

That _Worst_ has always had a distinct shape in my mind, something that was always there and clearly defined, but still something I didn't know – something I never took a look at. Never had to take a look at.

Now, however…

**X**

Eric has cut me off, having donned that blasted helmet of Shaw's, and it feels like things have been taken out of my hands, things I _need_ to have control over, things-  
I don't even know why this makes me want to fidget, so close to panicking.

What I do know, though, is that it _hurts_.

Objectively, I understand that Erik wants to make sure I won't interfere, won't keep him from finally getting his revenge after so many years, won't make him do things he doesn't want to do, but I would _never_-

I've always feared that Shaw might bring us apart, where I felt like nothing else could.

What I'm feeling for Erik, what I'm experiencing when I'm with him – it blows my mind.

And I'd probably do anything to protect what we have.

Anything but force Erik to give what he doesn't offer freely.

It pains me, to know that he doesn't trust me, despite everything. It hurts me, to be separated from his spirit after all the time our minds have been wrapped around each other now. It agonizes me, that Erik has even _thought_ about separating us in that way, let alone that he has done it.

I just…

We used to be one, him and me. In those last few weeks we grew so very close together, and we used to be one.

Now he's made us two again.

**X**

**X**

There are not many lines I wouldn't cross to keep him safe.

It's how I end up in Shaw's sick head the moment the helmet's gone, and it's why I freeze that maniac, keeping him from taking the man I love.

I know, forcing him to stay unmoving means giving Erik the chance to kill him – and anything else was never an option, anyway. Because Shaw would start a frigging nuclear war if I let him, and because Erik would always be driven, always hunt him, and I'd never…

I'd never be good enough for him, _reason_ enough to stay, if Shaw was still out there.

So, I do what I need to do – partly for altruistic, and mostly for egoistic reasons.

I know that I have to do this, for me, for Erik, for _us_-

And then Erik's saying "Sorry, Charles" and I hear it in his thoughts, what he's about to do, that he'll take the helmet and throw me out, and it takes all of my strength to keep Shaw, I've got nothing left to make Erik stop with – and even if could, I wouldn't.

I'd never.

But I'm screaming at him, asking him not to do it, and he's saying that he doesn't trust me, but I can't despair because of that, not now, and then-

Then he's gone.

Gone from my mind as if he hasn't spent the last months there, and it feels like being ripped apart.

It _hurts_.

God, Erik.

Why?

**X**

Watching from Shaw's eyes is probably a really bad idea, but I know – I'd do it even if it weren't necessary, even if I didn't have to stay there, freezing him.

When I offered doing this, as we made the final plans, Erik asked me what would happen if I was connected to a dying brain.

No matter how convincingly I told him that it wouldn't be a problem, I still don't know that it won't kill me.

But there are some risks you just have to take.

So, I'm stuck in Shaw's twisted mind, waiting for Erik to finish it, just _get it done_, because this is so terribly exhausting, he's strong and fighting my hold, and it's also a little like waiting for my own death, and what Erik's saying hurts even more, and _why in god's name does he have to do this so slowly has he forgotten that I feel EVERYTHING?_

**X**

I know I'm screaming, and I hear Moira call my name, but I can't care about that now.

As soon as it's over I tear my mind away from the black hole Shaw's has become, and it's harder than anyone could tell, because that dark gap of _nothingness_ is trying to pull me in, luring and pulling and absorbing, and it's the thought of Erik that gives me the strength to withstand, and finally pull away.

Erik.

Erik, who's still wearing a helmet that's keeping me out, and who just made me live through a painful death _very_ slowly.

It makes me think – what would've happened if I'd just given in, let that black hole take me? – but I supress those thoughts, quickly, and instead rush out of the plane, onto the beach, Moira behind me.

We arrive just in time to see Erik levitate Shaw's corpse out of the submarine, arms spread by metal straps. For a moment I can't help but think about this being a position that means so much to Christianity, that Shaw didn't target him because he was Jewish, that he shouldn't-

But I suppose he doesn't care about that.

I make towards where he has just dropped the corpse, as he is floating towards the ground as well, and I don't want to imagine what I look like – nervous, and betrayed, and _in pain_ as I am. Still, he doesn't look at me, so it doesn't matter.

But why?

I'm his partner in everything, he should look at me, I should be who he cares about most, who he desperately wants to make sure is okay – because that's what I'd do, what I'm doing right now, and does he have to break my heart like that?

I slow down when I realize it, stumbling.

He's leaving.

Whatever happens next, it won't matter, because he won't stay.

Gulping back the tears that are threatening to spill I pick up speed now, trying to get to him as fast as possible, because he can't do that to me, he just can't! We walked into this battle together, and just a few hours ago, when we peeled ourselves out of my sheets, he promised me that he'd never let me down, and that we'd do our best. That he'd come home with me.

Now I realize he never planned on doing that.

I can't-

I-

_Why?_

**X**

"Erik!" I'm calling, stumbling over to where he is just landing, preparing to make a speech or whatever; and I don't care that I'm sounding desperate. "Erik!"

Not letting himself be interrupted he keeps talking as he slowly turns his head to where I'm rushing towards him – he's been looking away deliberately! – until his gaze finally focusses on me and he stops dead.

His eyes widen when he sees me, shock shining in them, and I slow down a few metres before I have reached him, uncomprehending.

What's going on?

Why's he staring at me like that?

Did I… hurt myself or something? Judging by his gaze, I could be blood-smeared…

I risk a glance towards the others, as they are watching, but there is no shock or worry or fear in their surface thoughts or eyes, only confusion.

His, on the other hand, are still filled with surprise, and then- … white-hot _rage_.

"Liar!" he roars, as suddenly as he stopped a few minutes before. "How could you?"

I don't understand, and I want to ask him what I did, want to make him explain so that I can explain myself, because I've never done anything that'd justify that kind of rage, not to him – but he never gives me the chance.

"Hypocrite!" he spits. "Does Raven know, huh? Does she know you _lied_ to her all those years? Does she know you're hiding, too? Does she?"

He averts his eyes, then, with what looks like disgust burnt into them.

I feel like there's a hole where my stomach should be. Seeing him look at me that way-

Betrayal is rising behind my eyes, wanting to rush forward and spill, but I keep the flood back with everything I have. He doesn't need to know how much he just hurt me.

Thus I turn to look at my sister, who seems to be utterly confused – but suspicious, too, letting her gaze travel between Erik and me.

This can't be true, right?

He's turning _Raven_ against me? The only person who's been there for me for so many years?

Rage begins to seep into the desperation.

As he opens his mouth to continue with his speech, no longer addressing me as well, I can't help but cry "What in god's name are you going on about?", my voice way too high and hysteric, but I just can't help it, not now.

Erik's lips curl into a distorted resemblance of a sarcastic grin.

"You dare pretend you've got no idea?" he snarls, raging. "Well, now I know why you wanted to keep me from putting that helmet on, and heavens, I'm glad I didn't listen to you! You knew I'd be leaving if I saw you like this!"

I raise my fingers, staring at them, but they look completely normal, and anyway, this is really unfair of him!

"You were going to leave anyway!" I shout, clenching my fists as I remember why I'd been running towards him in the first place, desperate to make him stay.

Something dark and terribly _angry_ explodes in his eyes. "How would you know?"

I understand what he's thinking without having to read his thoughts. Have you been to the places in my mind you promised to stay away from?

No. I just know you well enough to have seen it.

And, oh, I wish I could send this to him, but as it is, there's a helmet's on his head, and my anger is deflating fast.

"What does it matter?" I ask, turning away. "You wouldn't believe me anyway." And right then, I know that I'm right.

"Exactly," he growls, marching over to where Shaw's people are standing. "Take me away," he commands Azazel, and the blink of an eye later he's gone, along with Angel and Riptide.

The next moment we hear the sound of guns being fired.

**X**

Panic comes over me like a flood, and for a moment I can't help but wonder – Erik must've felt them move.

Did he really just leave us, _me_, to die like that?

Then survival instincts kick in and I cry Alex' name, telling him to try and take out the missiles, while I'm tearing at my power, desperate to make it spread, as I'm racing towards the water. It's the only solution I can think of, the only way we might survive, if we just get in deep enough, and maybe Sean can propel us, somehow, and-

Alex is working his havoc, taking out some of the incoming bombs, but he's not fast enough, and we'll never make it, and-

Suddenly I'm lying in the grass, in front of the Mansion.

"I should've let you die," Erik spits, bitterly "but I guess I was the better man for once. And I'll always be a better man than you are. Come, Azazel. Raven?"

Only then do I realize the he sent the teleporter back to get us out of there, and just in time, as it seems – looking around I see everyone sitting or lying on my lawn.

"No," I hear my sister say and there's clear disappointment in Erik's eyes. "Not now. I want to… But maybe I'll find you."

Erik nods and reaches for Azazel's hand, and then he's gone, and was he just trying to take my sister with him?

I pick myself up as the others do so as well, making for the house. I'm home, I think, I just got dumped, but I'm home, and I'm not alone, even if it certainly feels like it, with that hole in my mind where Erik's should be.

All I want is to hide, and be weak for once, but I realize that I can't when Raven's hand closes around my wrist and she pulls me into the sitting room, standing before me with angry eyes.

"Explain!" she demands.

All I can do is stare at her.

"Damn it, Charles!" she yells. "Just tell me! It's not like it matters anymore!"

_Hurts_.

Hasn't it been enough for one day?

"I don't know what you're talking about," I tell her, tiredly. I want to send her my sincerity, and nearly panic again when I find that I _can't_. Just then I can almost feel my control slipping, because I'm so frigging tired and have no strength whatsoever left.

Her eyes are dark. "How about that?" she asks, icily, and I follow he angry gaze to the back of my left hand, where a single black flame is dancing over my skin.

What the heck-

Then everything goes black.

**X**

Waking up is entirely too painful.

My head feels like it might explode any moment, and my heart's in pieces shattered all over the place.

Unfortunately I do remember everything that's happened clearly.

Feeling a little stronger I send my telepathy out, checking the room and finding – Raven. I'm lying on one of the sofas in the sitting room, it seems, and she's sitting close, but not quite next to me. Reading, it appears, from what her surface thoughts tell.

I keep my eyes closed and my breathing as even as I manage, fighting back the tears once again.

I need a few moments to myself.

Taking a deep breath I go down that path I can't remember ever taking, towards the darkest, best hidden corner of my mind. I know that I'll find my answers there – where the shape of the _Worst_ is ensconced.

Carefully I unwrap train of thought after meticulously knotted train of thought, until I get to the bottom. It's a single memory, a scene from when I couldn't have been older than seven. I hesitate before delving in, which is not exactly that much of a surprise – after all these are minutes I can't remember having lived through, _at all_, but they're clearly a memory.

My old room opens up to me as I find myself staring at the woman who used to be my nanny all those years ago, shrieking with horror. She's pointing at me, and shrieking, and crying that I'm a monster, so I raise my arm, trying to see why she's freaking out like this, and there's tiny, black flames dancing over my skin, and when I pull up the sleeve of my pyjama they're there as well, but never setting the clothes on fire, and how is this possible?, I didn't look like this yesterday, I never did!, who did this to me?, and my nanny's still shrieking, I want her to shut up, I want her to forget, I want to forget myself-

**X**

"Good Lord," I mutter as I open my eyes, exhausted once again.

Raven's thrown the book away in an instant, coming over to stand next to the bed, but never touching me.

I push the fact that this _hurts_ to the back of my mind as I stand up, staggering.

I remember it now, remember _everything_.

"I never lied to you," I murmur as I make for where my grandfather's huge mirror is standing. "I didn't know myself. I didn't even… I _don't_ even know what I look like."

She makes a surprised noise as she follows me, until I stop in front of the head-high mirror.

I don't look all that different, only the odd flame dancing across the back of my left hand. It was much stronger in the memory, much worse, but that's no wonder – most of my illusion's still in place. Slowly, carefully, I lift the veil I've spun around my appearance, for everyone else – including myself – to see.

Raven gasps, and I can't supress a little shocked sound, either.

My whole frigging body is ablaze.

The flames are still pitch-black, but burn a little higher than they did when I was seven years old. Also, they still don't hurt me, still don't set my clothes on fire – I don't even feel them, actually. Hesitantly I unwrap another layer and my hair bursts into flames as well. Oh dear. I didn't even know about that, and there's still one more left! Worriedly I free the last part of my appearance as well, and the white in my eyes goes black.

… seriously?

Raven giggles a little hysterically, and I can't hold it against her.

Also, I suddenly understand the nanny.

My eyes look horrifying.

The blue is still there, and the pupils have not changed, but my eyeballs are as pitch-black as the flames dancing up and down my body (hidden by clothes in most places) and those flickering in my hair, which is – thankfully – still brown.

Why am I burning, but my eyes aren't?

Upon closer investigation, as I find out moments later, they _are_. Tiny flames are flickering across the blue iris, barely visible.

This is ridiculous.

It's no wonder Erik was appalled.

Only then do I really, _truly_ realize what Raven must've felt like all those years.

She's a little surprised, I suppose, when I spin around without a warning and hug her, hide my face in her shoulder. "I'm sorry," I murmur. "I didn't know. I hid it from everyone including myself. I just… I'm sorry."

I feel her stiffen for a moment, before she relaxes, wrapping her arms around me as well.

"It's okay," she whispers. "I believe you. You didn't lie to me. You never would, not about something like that."

She pulls away, but only far enough to look into my eyes, which are swimming by now.

"It's okay, Charles. I love you. You're my brother… and look how beautiful you are." With childlike curiosity in her eyes she prods her finger against one of the flames, and only then do I realize that I've been touching her without making sure- … but it didn't hurt her, obviously.

She's still occupied with attempting to poke the flamelet, which is continuously avoiding her. I concentrate on the flame, trying to approach it to her finger, and suddenly it is dancing across her skin.

I freeze, panicky, but she giggles.

"It tickles," she explains upon my bewildered expression, before grinning excitedly. "Try to let it do something!"

For a few moments I just stare at her, but then I concentrate on the flame again. This is a mutation I don't have much control over, but I know a lot about how to work with one's gifts, so I search for the link between what I've come to feel for as the source of my power deep inside my mind, and the flame.

For a moment everything's silent, and then the sensations come rushing in.

I can feel every single one of the flames across my skin and hair, every location, every movement, every flare. It's like a sixth- … no, _seventh_ sense, taking in so much about my surroundings. My brain's flooded with information about ambient temperature, wind direction and velocity, humidity, barometric pressure, air density. For a moment it's too much, data I can't process, but then my mutation catches up with the onslaught and feeds me results.

Good god, this is unsettling.

Carefully I try to concentrate on that single flame on Raven's hand once I've detangled myself from my messy thoughts, finding a tiny strain which marks the link to that flamelet. Once I've locked onto it it's not all that hard to move it.

I let it jump across Raven's hand, up her arm-

Oops, no, it stays attached to the skin, and is now hidden underneath the actual pullover she is wearing over her blue form. Quickly leading it back I pour all my concentration into forming it until it looks like a tiny woman, wandering to the tip of her finger. This is really hard, and exhausting, and I begin to feel naked in the spot where the flame should be, like there is some information missing. Thus I draw it back onto my own hand – which only works after I've mad skin contact – and it quickly jumps across my body to that patch in my poplit, where it should be.

Raven is shining with excitement.

"This is _amazing_! Tell me, is there anything more you can do?"

I dart her a quick glance and a wink, before closing my eyes and concentrating. It's not all that easy, to work through that heap of unsorted information _and_ receive new one, but after about a minute I've managed to communicate to my power what I want to know, and within moments the flames in the open air flare out and seek the information I'm looking for, taking in whatever the air around us has to offer like sensory cells, before presenting the result.

Huh.

I'm so used to being completely in control of my powers that this is really strange.

Sensing my sister's rising concern I open my eyes, grinning. "I feel like a frigging meteorology satellite," I say. "I could tell you anything. Including that it'll probably rain tonight, there's a storm coming in – fast."

Raven giggles again, in delight, before he eyes suddenly grow dark – a dangerous, exciting kind of dark.

"I like those flames of yours, even though they tickle. However, just to think of what effect they might have, in the right places…" She flashes me a cheeky grin.

Unfortunately, I'm completely distracted because this reminds me of-

…

_Erik._

**X**

"Fuck."

"Such words, from your mouth?" There is a certain tease in Raven's voice, an easiness I haven't heard in a long time. We've been growing apart, _I_'ve been forgetting about what her mutation means to her. I'm pretty sure, actually, that she's aware that I've realized it, now that I know what she feels like, and that I'm beating myself up about it.

Still, no matter how much her trustfulness means to me, I'm rather distracted at the moment.

"Erik," I say by way of explanation.

I can watch her face fall at that.

"Fuck," she agrees.

"He must think that I… I… oh, I don't want to know what I'd do if I thought he kept a mutation like that from me. But I didn't _know_, I couldn't have told him!"

"No," Raven murmurs and her voice is treacherously soft. She leads me back to the sofa, making me sit down and cuddling into my side. "You couldn't have told him. But he doesn't know that, and… What did you mean, when you said he was going to leave anyway?"

I close my eyes. "What I said," I answer, tiredly.

I'm exhausted, and my brain's still bleeding with missing Erik's, and burning with having felt a coin being pushed through it. Also, the onslaught of new information has not exactly made my headache any better.

"But- … What… How?"

"I just knew. I didn't even see it in his mind before he put the helmet on. He hid it well from me, and I don't know for how long he's been planning it… I realized it, when he came out of that submarine. From how he wouldn't look at me, from his posture, from… I can't explain it. I just know him so well, and… Why? Why, Raven? Why would he do this to me? Why would he promise me to return home with me after that confrontation, but never plan on doing so?"

Raven looks rather taken aback at that. "He did?"

Finding myself unable to answer, I just nod, and oh, the tears are threatening to spill again.

Raven takes my burning hand into her blue one. For a short moment both of us marvel at that, before she squeezes my fingers. "I didn't think… I never thought he'd do that. I mean… you were the closest thing to parents either of us has, even though I always thought of you as a brother, not as a father. I… seeing the two of you made me believe that it's really possible to find someone who… completes you. That he's left you, just like that… kinda crumbled my illusion. I'm sorry, I know, this is so much worse for you, but I can't help it- …"

She sniffles, and then her own tears are spilling.

I wrap my arms around her, pull her into my lap and hold her close. Some of the flames make the transition – of their own volition, this is freaking me out – and dance across her body, before returning to mine, and some information pops up in my head, drawn from what they have encountered: she's not hurt, at least not externally.

Huh.

Useful.

And unsettling.

I don't concentrate on that unexpected twist, though, instead murmuring soothing words into Raven's ear, holding her close.

"Shh, it's alright. I… just because I fell for an idiot, doesn't mean you won't find someone who doesn't have _issues_. Don't let my little drama here discourage you. Shh. You're beautiful, Raven. I'm not the only one who sees that. You'll find someone who'll do anything for you. Shh."

And I curse Erik.

Not because of myself, no, I couldn't. If I'm not enough to hold him, well, that's not his fault.

No, I curse him because he's hurting the children. And that's inacceptable.

Concentrating again I force one of the flames to dance onto her cheek where my fingers are touching it, and then to dart along the shell of her ear. She giggles, and sniffs, before boring teary eyes into mine. "You really think I'm beautiful? Like, like this?"

"Of course I do." No hesitation there, and she smiles tentatively. "Raven, I know… I haven't ever told you that. And that was wrong. I was just… torn between what I wanted for you, or rather us, as a family, and what I wanted for a career. I wanted you to come with me, always, for us to never have to part, but… I also wanted to get my professorship, dreaming of what it might offer me, us, _mutants_. So… I just let you run around in a body that wasn't yours for years, never telling you… how wonderful you looked in blue." I give her a crooked smile, and she returns it.

"Thanks, Charles. I… I really needed to hear that. With Hank wanting me to use the serum and everything… and just for the record, I think you're beautiful, too."

I hug her, hard. "I needed to hear that as well," I whisper.

**X**

The heartfelt conversation with my sister made me feel a lot better, and I actually got some proper sleep that night. That Raven was cuddled up against me surely helped with that, for I'd find it hard to sleep alone after having spent every night for so many months with Erik at my side.

Waking up… once again comes with a skull-splitting headache, and the reminder that Erik's _gone_.

Risking a glance out of the window I realize that it's rather early. Which is no wonder, really, for it was a nightmare that woke me – a nightmare which included a thoroughly disgusted Erik, and eternity spent alone.

Shaking my head I desperately try to get rid of the images, now that they're coming up again, and instead comb my mind for some kind of distraction, which is immediately supplied by my new mutation. After a few moments I know everything that is to know about today's weather conditions, and I spend the next thirty minutes sorting through that information, trying to get some resemblance of order into them. Oh, I hate not being in control!

After I've acquainted myself a little better with those perks of my flames I spend a good hour staring at my arm, watching the whirls and patterns.

It's disconcerting, to say the least – finding out that you're not who you thought you were all that time.

"Don't," Raven suddenly whispers into my ear, and I almost shoot upwards into the ceiling.

"Sorry," she mutters, realizing how much she startled me. "I thought you heard my thoughts, when I woke up."

Obviously, I didn't.

That's disconcerting, too.

"I was… distracted."

"You don't say." The sarcasm sounds quite endearing in combination with her sleepy voice. "Now go back to sleep. It's too early to be brooding." With that she has pulled my wayward blanket across both of us again. Including my head.

"Raven…"

She sighs.

"You're still Charles, you know. You're the same person. This has always been there… but it doesn't change your character. Don't beat yourself up about it. Just… imagine this kid, a girl if you want. She's fifteen, and her mutation's just broken through. It's given her, I don't know, devil's horns, and she's freaking out that her boyfriend might not like her any longer, now that she's different. What would you tell her?"

"That she wasn't different," I mumble, quietly. "That it doesn't change who she is."

Raven flashes me a smile I can see even underneath the blanket.

"Exactly. Now go back to sleep."

**X**

The next time I hear it when she wakes up.

I didn't get any more sleep, the silence where Erik should be in my mind too looming and deafening, but I did manage to get some rest, and peace. A little more in tune with the world and myself again my telepathy begins to return to what it should be, even though it's more than tempered by the headache.

"Thanks," I say when I know she's awake.

Raven smiles at me. "Good morning to you, too," she replies cheekily, pressing a kiss against my slightly stubbly cheek before stretching and getting up. "See you at breakfast?"

I nod – which does the headache no good – and force myself to get out of bed as well, while she scurries towards the door and out of the room, surprisingly awake considering how tired she was those two hours ago.

Subconsciously I follow her mind with mine while I make for the bathroom, making sure she's alright, and processing the incoming information without really realizing it. I only do so, actually, when she walks past the door to what used to be Erik's study on her way back to me, and a dangerous mixture of sadness and anger rolls through her.

I cut myself with my razor.

What-

How is it even possible that I locked onto her before she left the room, and that we were connected ever since, without me concentrating on it?

I never had to concentrate on Erik, true, but our minds were wound around each other and hers is just a familiar one.

Not my other half.

Thinking about it makes the hole ache all the more.

I'm torn from my thoughts when Raven bursts into the room, but I'm not surprised, obviously having locked onto her again. Oh, this is annoying.

Worry floods her when she sees the blood on my cheek, but then she spots the razor in my hand and shakes her head.

"Will you ever learn how to shave without hurting yourself?"

I can't help but pout, because I didn't cut myself once ever since I met Erik, but he's gone now and-

"Breakfast?" she asks, interrupting my mental spiral downwards.

I don't know what I'd do without her.

**X**

I only realize that I've been slowing down when we approach the kitchen and I stop in front of the door. I can't even remember ever being this uncertain about a mutation of mine.  
My sister reaches for my hand, gives me a smile.

"Do you have so little trust in them?" she asks, and oh, this is clever.

However, I just can't forget the disgust in Erik's eyes, when he looked at me, and- "I trusted Erik."

"They're not him."

I gulp.

"I know. It's just… they're family, too, and I don't think I could handle it if either of them…"

"You won't have to," she promises. "Charles. Like you said, they're family. Imagine what you'd do, if one of them came up with a mutation like this they'd previously hidden – on purpose or not."

I grind my teeth.

"When did you become this good at persuading?" I ask, stalling for time.

She raises an eyebrow. "You taught me, of course. Now come on, let's-"

I know that Sean's coming for the door before he's even touched the handle, tearing it open.

"Will you come in already?" he complains, eyes still half closed. "I'm hungry, and it's _your_ rule that we have to eat together."

Sighing, I give in, seeing that he's way too tired and hungry to even realize that something's different about me. Also, I don't even have to ask to know how he found out that we were standing in front of the kitchen – Hank smelled our presence, and told him. Only when I finally step into the kitchen and don't have to look around in order to know where everyone is I realize that I've locked onto their minds as well, their surface thoughts a steady flow of information trickling into my brain. I seem to have developed quite an efficient filter, too, for I wasn't notified about anything – just the few details I was interested in, like everyone's position, made it through.

However, I'm quite convinced that any sign of alarm would've been brought to my attention right away.

Huh.

It's quite similar to what I used to share with Erik, actually-

…

"Charles?"

The worry in Raven's voice and thoughts tears me from that pool of desperation I've been losing myself in once again.

"I… hiding it must've used quite a lot of my telepathy," I manage to explain somehow. "I'm… somehow, I'm… connected to either of you. It's… distracting."

Raven's beaming. "This is _so_ exciting! To see what you can do… Awesome!"

"Well, what _is_ it that he can do?" Alex whines from where he's standing in front of the fridge, shirtless, still staring at me – at my eyes, to be precise.

"He's turned into a weather oracle," my sister mutters as she saunters over to the refrigerator, closing it and peeling the milk from Havoc's fingers. "Now sit down, will you?"

The blonde obeys, taking his seat next to where Sean has placed his head on his plate, snoring quietly.

Hank rolls his eyes.

"Good morning," he greets, although his gaze is still fixed on me as well.

"Morning," I mumble, before sitting down in the unoccupied chair between him and Raven, instead of taking my usual place, next to Erik's empty one.

My sister doesn't say anything, just hands me my plate and cup from where they're waiting. "I'll… explain after breakfast, alright?"

Alex nods, finally averting his eyes, and pours himself a bowl of milk, while Hank kicks Sean underneath the table.

I'm too tired to reprimand him, even though I know exactly what he's doing thanks to the new quirks of my gift. Instead I reach for the pot containing Earl Grey – black tea's something I picked up in Oxford and never got rid of – and pour some into my mug, before adding milk and an amount of sugar that would've made Erik pull a face, like every other morning.

Although I know from experience that ordinary headache pills don't work with mutation-induced cephalea I allow myself one Aspirin, trying to ignore everyone's worry.

Alex and Hank are still staring, no matter how hard they're trying to hide it – which is useless, really, with a telepath in the room. Especially now that I'm involuntarily keeping track of what's happening to them, and oh, it's annoying. I feel like I'm invading every possible kind of privacy.

Raven's not staring. However, from time to time she flicks me a smile – that kind of smile that makes my heart ache a little less because it's so beautiful, because I know that although I've lost the man I love, I've still got my sister.

Sean's not staring, either. He's eating. I'm not even sure, actually, whether he's really looked at me yet.

He's never been a morning person.

**X**

"Alright, spill."

It's Hank who makes that demand. He hasn't grown much more comfortable with his new body since yesterday, but he, too, seems to be feeling that here, with he's family, he can be himself.

"I… was seven," I begin, slowly. Carefully. Gauging their reactions. "I… all I know is that I made my nanny freak out, and that I was scared of myself, and that I wanted both of us to forget. That I never wanted for anyone to see it.

"I had no real control over my telepathy back then, wasn't even really aware of it. Still, somehow – I managed to hide my appearance from everyone, including myself, without even knowing that I did it. I just uncovered that one memory of when my nanny found out yesterday, and… All I ever saw was my arm, and I never remembered that. I only ever stepped in front of a mirror like this once – yesterday." The headache's on its way to a new height. Sublime.

"You need a new code-name," Sean chimes in, and only then do I realize that he knew all along. That he just wasn't staring at me… well, probably because his breakfast was more interesting.

Or because it just isn't that big a deal.

Whichever, I'm incredibly thankful for it.

"Oh, I think Professor X suits him just fine," Raven disagrees. "Even if he's a professor of meteorology now." She grins cheekily.

I sigh. "I was never even remotely interested in meteorology."

"Oh, I know."

Seeing the brazen sparkling of her eyes I can't help but reach out for her, making one of the flames jump onto her cheek, take the form of a set of teeth and bite her in the nose.

"Ey!" she exclaims, feigning indignation, and just like that the ice is broken.

**X**

Sean shuffles closer, excitedly extending his hand and asking me to give him a flame as well, and we find out that I can't transfer one to Hank yet because his fur is so thick that there's too little skin available, and I don't have enough control over it yet.

It's lovely, really.

We start a game of catch-the-flame on Alex' bare back, with everyone trying to touch the flamelet that is shooting across his skin, and me moving it out of the way. That quickly proceeds to two, three and later four flames I'm controlling, which is definitely a great exercise…

But all the time I'm feeling Erik's absence, as that hole in my mind that it's left there.

And of course one of the kids notices.

To my surprise it's not Raven, but Hank.

He interrupts our games when he realizes that I'm growing tired – and he tries to do so subtly, but I know, of course – and actually manages to get rid of Alex and Sean without them realizing.

Figuring that he's seen through my attempts to hide my exhaustion or sadness I drop onto the sofa quite unceremoniously as soon as the two boys have left the room, racing each other to the library. Raven understands only then, but when she does she reaches for my hand once again.

I turn my head to stare at her.

"What should I do? Just… just give up? I know, there's probably nothing I can do, but…"

"But you can't let him go just like that," Hank finishes quietly.

He receives surprised looks from both of us, which makes him blush underneath his fur.

"I… yes."

"Well, of course not!" Raven starts up. "You can't just give up! Even if he was going to leave in the first place – you need to tell him that you weren't lying to him. That what you had was real."

It's our turn to stare, and her turn to blush.

"What?"

"You're right. I just… how?"

"Well, you need to find him, of course."

"How?" I repeat, feeling more helpless than ever before.

"Well… I told him that maybe I'd come to find him, didn't I? And he left me a note. So, what if I do? I find him, and corrupt Azazel, and bring him here."

"You make it sound easy."

"I'll make it easy," she grins. It's a rather toothy grin. Her surface thoughts flash through my mind then, starring a blue-skinned ninja and Erik, wrapped in what must be kilometres of plastic wire.

I can't help but snicker, and her next thought betrays that this was her intent exactly.

There's nothing I can do but hug her, and kiss her on the cheek, and tell her to be careful, and to please, _please_, come home as soon as possible.

She hugs me back and promises that she will.

I really don't know what I'd do without her.

**X**

Letting Raven go is far harder than I'm trying to make it look.

It worked on her, obviously, for she's out of the door now and on her way to some location noted on a piece of paper Azazel must've dropped in her room at some point during the last few days.

It doesn't work on Hank, though.

The moment the door's closed behind my sister he reaches for my shoulder, squeezes it. Really carefully, of course, he's still struggling with getting the hang of his new body.

"You should do something," he suggests. "Get your mind off things."

I nod, because that's actually a really good idea. I want to stop fretting about Raven and Erik for at least some time – and there's no need to be overly concerned about my sister, for I'm still connected to her, making sure she's well.

"We could do with some training. That fight may be over, but there'll be more to come," Hank muses – that I don't disagree probably tells him everything he needs to know – as he reaches for my arm and pulls me away, towards the sitting room where Sean and Alex are now playing ludo. I know that Banshee's losing big-time before even looking at the board, Alex' glee and Sean's frustrating resonating in my mind. Choosing to save the redhead's dignity I interrupt their game by bursting in, Hank behind me.

Both of them raise their heads, which have come ridiculously close over the board.

Ridiculously, as both of them claim they don't like men.

Ah, never mind.

I can't concern myself with relationships at the moment, that's too painful. Erik's absence is still burning in my mind, behind my eyes. All the bloody time.

"We figured we could all use some training," Hank explains before the other two boys have the chance to ask. "You in?"

Alex is the first one to stand up.

"Sure," he says, already making for the door. "After so much time of pushing our powers… I actually miss working with mine. Are you coming, Sean?"

The Irish boy nods and follows the blonde, towards the garden. They actually left Hank and me standing in the sitting room.

Beast snorts.

"Come," he mutters. "Let's do this. Have you got any ideas already?"

"Uh… to be honest, no. I… my mind's a mess, with all that information I'm not used to whirling around. There's data coming in all the time from my new mutation, and it seems… it seems I've got quite a lot of free telepathic capacities, now that I'm no longer creating a permanent illusion. Also… my head still hurts, from feeling Shaw's Death." I ignore the way one of the boys I've come to see as my sons sucks in his breath. "I'll have to make something up spontaneously. Do you have any ideas?"

Hank cocks his head, my question distracting him from his worry.

"Well, I figured… we might work on teamwork. We… it worked out, in that battle, somehow, but we never trained that. Things like, Sean carrying others along, or Raven turning into just who we need as a distraction…"

"Maybe we could also combine our powers, or amplify them," Alex chips in.

We've made it onto the front lawn, without me realizing.

Hank really is good at what he does.

"Hmmm… what would happen if Sean's supersonic waves collided with Alex' plasma waves?"

My furred son cocks his head. "Huh. Well… I've made more calculations about Havoc's waves, and researched plasma a little more thoroughly. What I found out in the beginning already is that it can form distinct structures under the influence of magnetic fields… Actually that's how I managed to control his blasts. I… if Erik were here" I flinch, and he sends me an apologetic glance "we could work on that. However, back to Banshee. His sound waves work in the air, and in water. Now, plasma's often called the fourth state of matter, beside solid, liquid and gas. It's quite similar to the gas phase, actually, but not the same. They differ in their electrical conductivity, which doesn't matter for us. That they behave differently when it comes to charge and the interaction between different particles is interesting in so far, as that's what makes it possible for the waves to take the shape they do, but it shouldn't matter, either, when it comes to Sean. The velocity distribution, however, might. In gases collisions usually lead to a Maxwellian velocity distribution of all gas particles, while in plasma collisional interactions are often weak and external forcing can drive it far from the local equilibrium and lead to a significant population of unusually fast particles."

I can't help but chuckle lowly when he stops, looking at us expectantly. The other two are staring, their mouths wide open.

"You do know that none of us are physicists, right?"

"Yes, but- … that wasn't all that complicated!"

"It was!" Sean complains. "Can't you say it easier?"

"Well, let me try to sum it up: It might have an effect. It _might_. And if it does, anything could happen."

Hank's staring at me. "That's about it, yes."

"Well, what are we waiting for?" Sean is grinning. "Let's do this!"

"Waitwaitwaitwait!" Alex stops him. "We don't know what'll happen! What if it hurts you?"

"Well, how are we going to find out if we don't try it?"

"Boys?"

Both of them turn their heads to look at me.

"How about this: Alex produces the smallest blast he can manage, and Sean sends a _very_ tiny sound wave against it? If possible, they should meet as far from us as possible."

As Alex nods hesitantly I wonder whether that's reckless, whether I would've taken that risk before Erik left me – but before I get to dwell on that too much Alex closes his eyes, concentrating, and then shoots one single beam of red plasma diagonally into the sky.

Sean opens his mouth and screams, sending out a conical wave which collides with the beam about 50 yards away from us.

What follows is chaos.

**X**

I thought it a good idea of Hank to film the effect, but now I'm pulling him to the ground.

The sky's lit up with an explosion, and beams of plasma are going into all directions. Pressing my face into the grass, protecting my head with my arms and thrown half across Sean's body I wait for the sounds of blasts and trees falling to stop.

It doesn't take long, and the first thing I do is make sure that the others are alright.

My flames are rushing up and down their bodies, making sure they aren't hurt, and only when I know that I didn't just injure them with this stupid idea I allow myself to relax.

Sean throws his arms first around me – whispering "Thanks for pulling me down!" – and then around Alex, who's staring at the destruction in the garden with thin lips.

Thankful that it didn't reach the house or the satellite dish of Cerebro, only logging a few trees and scorching some of the grass, I step forward to look into his eyes.

"I'm sorry," I say. "I didn't… I never thought the effect could be this… uncontrolled. I should never have allowed it. I'm sorry."

Alex forces a smile. "One day, I'll hurt one of you."

I hesitate for a moment, before stepping forward and wrapping my arms around him. I hold him, so hard that it can't be comfortable, but it seems to help. Slowly, he relaxes; returns the hug.

"Listen to me," I whisper into his ear. "This is not, in any way, your fault." And guilt is churning my insides. "I asked you to do this. It was a mistake. But you… didn't do anything wrong. If anyone was hurt, it'd be my fault."

"How can it be your fault, if it's _my_ power?" he answers, voice tight.

"I asked you to experiment with something we can't control at the moment. If I hadn't suggested it, you'd never have tried."

"But it might've happened in a fight, coincidentally, and then it would've been a disaster," Hank chips in. "Trying this was a really good idea, actually. And I've got it on film, so I'll go evaluate that immediately. Calm down, Havoc. You did nothing wrong. And neither did you, Professor."

With that he's gone.

I can't even blame him. I'm a scientist, after all. I know what it's like when curiosity strikes.

Sean's soft chuckle tears me from my thoughts.

It's the kind of laughter one laughs when shaking their head because of the quirks of a beloved family member.

It warms my heart.

**X**

Convincing Alex that _he_'s got no reason to feel guilty is not all that hard, actually, after Hank's speech. For all that they were loathing each other in the beginning, they value their respective opinions highly now.

It makes me happy – reminds me that we're still a family, even if Erik's left.

Other single parents can do it too, right?

My heart might be in pieces, but that doesn't mean that those who I view as kids don't give me more than enough reasons to live for. Even though it'll never be perfect again, it'll be as perfect as can be without Erik.

That thought doesn't manage to make it into a smile, but it's close enough.

Feeling a little lighter, and my heart bleeding a little less, I make for the sitting room where I know to find my two boys.

They've taken up their game, my mind is telling me, and I'm still considering interrupting again, for Sean's frustration has returned more than quickly, when I pick up Hank's excitement.

Sensing that it has to do with our little experiment gone wild I make for his lab.

When I enter he's bent over a huge table, wildly punching numbers into a calculator. Stepping closer I see pages upon pages filled with formulas I don't even want to take a closer look at. There's no genetics without statistics, but this level of calculation makes me want to run and hide. I spot a few lines that look almost readable, but there's definitely too many derivations and integrals and trigonometric functions for me to feel comfortable.

Mathematics has never been my strongest discipline.

Hank turns his head to look at me for a moment, before continuing to calculate and filling the table with even more numbers.

I'd ask if I could be of help, if I didn't know that there was no way I wouldn't make it worse.

Sighing I sit down, deciding to leave Alex and Sean alone for the time being. They've started a rematch anyway, and Banshee's leading at the moment. Instead I concentrate on the fine thread of my telepathy that's connecting my mind with Raven's, and listen in.

She's just left the bus, making for a tiny house a little off the road in the middle of nowhere.

Seems my timing's perfect.

I listen as she walks down the dusty path towards the door – never peeking, never invading her head. It's just enough to pick up her surface thoughts, and they tell me all I need to know – whether she's alright.

Still, I send her a quick Be careful! just as she knocks, and she answers with a mental smile.

I'm not in your head! I assert.

I know.

The way she accepts this, so simple and so true, warms my heart.

Which then stumbles while pure white _rage_ surges through her mind, as she walks in on Erik and Emma making out.

**X**

The room's spinning, I don't even know-

I don't-

I can't-

_Erik._

**X**

This time Alex's the one sitting next to the sofa when I wake up.

Trying to pick up the pieces of my stomped upon heart I groan as I force my eyes open.

Bloody headache.

It seems fainting doesn't exactly help about that.

Alex' head snaps up when he hears my groan.

"Professor! Are you… are you- … okay?" I hear alright in his mind, and why he decides against it.

He's right, of course.

I'm far from alright.

"I… no," I admit honestly.

"What's going on? Is… did something happen to Raven? Hank said you were sitting in his lab, obviously concentrating, and- …"

"Raven's fine," I murmur tiredly, feeling that it's true. The image I've seen in my sister's mind is fighting its way back into my vision as I'm trying to sit up. "Physically at least. She's going wild with rage, though. How long was I out?"

"About 30 minutes. What's she raging about?"

I avert my gaze. "I'd rather not talk about it."

Alex nods, but his eyes are angry and I hear the truth resound in my head, accompanied by quite an amount of fury.

Erik!  
I flinch, and he hurries to concentrate on something else.

"Hank's done, you know? He's gone through a frankly alarming amount of calculations, but he's got something like a theory now." His lips are a thin, white line again. "I'm not sure I want to know," he admits. "What if we try, and he's wrong, and I hurt someone?"

"I've repeated every calculation twice," a rather sulky voice sounds from the direction of the door. "Besides, there won't be any trying anytime soon. There'll be a lot of practicing, though."

Hank steps into the room, carrying a stack of papers.

Sean comes trailing behind him, wearing his suit which enables him to fly. "You won't hurt us," he says, his voice filled with conviction.

I don't have to look at Alex to know how much that means to him.

"So? Do you want to see it?"

Hank's excited again, so I smile and motion for him to take a seat next to me, on the sofa – gladly accepting that distraction.

Because _everything_ reminds me of Erik.

My blue furred son produces a sheet of paper from his stack, filled with lots of lines which turn out to be tiny sketches and charts.

"It's all about the angle!"

Alex coughs and Banshee giggles.

Hank stares at them uncomprehendingly, before blushing. "Argh! Just… argh! Anyway…. the angle. The supersonic waves actually interact with the plasma – deflecting the particles from their path. Now, the direction depends on the angle of the vectors. In theory, it'd be possible to deflect the plasma into certain directions; however, that's pretty hard as Sean's sending out waves, not single particles, and both the sound waves and the plasma waves are moving. It'd be incredibly hard to hit _all_ of the plasma particles with the right force and angle… but I think it _is_ possible."

"So – what if all the particles collide at different angles?" Sean asks, chewing his bottom lip, which is clearly distracting Alex.

"The plasma wave is scattered. That's what got us our explosions today."

"So… I just need to angle my sound waves the right way?"

"Well… it's not as easy as that. Don't forget, every single particle needs to be in the right position at the right time. It also doesn't help that your waves come in the form of a cone, instead of a beam."

"I still suggest that we try it." The redhead is almost bouncing in his seat.

Since when is Sean that over-motivated?

"First you need to exercise," Hank immediately dampens his enthusiasm. "And for quite some time at that. Both of you. You'll have to be able to control every particle in the waves _exactly_."

"What are we waiting for?"

**X**

I spend the rest of the day buying a frankly ridiculous amount of glassware and – with Hank's help – arranging them in a complicated course Beast's come up with. Once we're done constructing training equipment for Sean we continue with placing tiny metal targets all over the place in a different part of the garden, where Alex can work on his accuracy and aim.

It's hard work, and has me occupied mentally as well, so I do it gladly.

Also, Hank's excitement is kind of contagious.

We haven't got an explicit goal any longer, nothing like Shaw's demise to work towards, so all of us are glad that we've found a new purpose. Sean's already taken up working on ways for Raven to use her ability in a fight, and Alex is arranging a rigorous training schedule for Hank which is supposed to help him learn to feel comfortable in his new body, and then to teach him how to use his increased speed and strength to his advantage.

Somehow, we decided that everyone would be responsible for someone else – motivating them, organizing equipment, finding new goals – and at some point the boys unanimously agreed that I'd be Raven's responsibility, when she returns.

Well, that's certainly a setup I can live with.

Especially since my control over my new mutation – and my telepathy, so much stronger as it is now – is far from good enough to start proper training yet. My sister'll be back more than soon enough.

And, well, I'm keeping track of what she's doing – whether I want to or not.

It actually makes it easier to be parted from her, for this night I have to sleep alone.

Which means basically lying awake and wallowing in self-pity until the exhaustion outweighs the emptiness in my mind.

**X**

Once again it's a nightmare about Erik and his absence that wakes me in the morning, much too early of course.

Risking a glance at my watch I groan when I see that it's only quarter past four.

That can't be enough sleep, but maybe… if I just exhaust my body enough, I'll be able to sleep tonight.

Yawning I make for the shower, barely aware that I'm tuning in first on the boys and then Raven, making sure that they're fine and still asleep.

Well.

Raven isn't.

She's wide awake, actually, and burning with rage. When I connect with her mind her fury is so strong and overwhelming that I almost punch the mirror, just because of what I'm receiving from her.

I'm even closer to doing so when I realize that she's arguing with Erik, which is the reason for her wrath.

Gulping, I give our connection a slight tug, alerting her of my presence.

I don't want to listen in without her knowing, and if she tells me to leave, I will.

No matter how hard it may be.

She doesn't, though – instead she invites me in, offering me to watch through her eyes, and asking me to calm her down a little. She'd rather do this coolly, knowing that it'd have much more effect.

Warily I comply, shielding her from her rage as well as I manage with my own emotions running so high.

Only when I've finished that task – my telepathy overly eager to do what I ask of it, making this easier and harder at the same time – I dare to let all her senses absorb me-

"-want me to return? After everything? After what he did?"

"After what _he_ did? What about what _you_ did?"

"What did I do? Tell me! Did I lie to you, like him? Did I ever lie to you about something important?"

"_Yes_, you bastard!" I can't bring myself to mentally chide her for that. "Yes, you did! You made us believe that we were a family, while planning on leaving us all along!"

There's tears pooling in her eyes now.

She doesn't ask me to shield her from her disappointment and sadness as well.

"Is that what he told you?" Erik's angry, too, filled with rage.

It's hard to see him like this.

Through Raven's eyes.

The helmet on his head weighs heavily on my mind.

"Don't you _dare_ blame this on him! _You_ left him, you left _us_! I thought of you as a father, we all did, and you left without turning back! You almost let us _die_ there, and then claimed to be a better man for saving our fucking lives! Charles stayed with us, looked after us, while you left us. So don't you dare try and set us against him!"

"Set you against him? I shouldn't have to! You saw it, that he was lying! You saw him in all his _glory_" he spits the word, and I feel my heart break a little more "you said so yourself, and you're still defending him?"

"How often do you want me to tell you that he didn't even know himself?"

"And you believe that? You just forgive him?"

Raven's angry stance suddenly crumbles, and I realize that my emotions have gone past a point where I still have enough control over my telepathy to influence her in any way.

"I believe him, yes." Her voice is tired now. Defeated. "I believe him, because he's my brother, and because I know him, and because I know that he'd never forgive himself if he hurt me – or you for that matter – and because this was the action of a terrified, lonely seven-year-old who had no one to turn to. I _forgive_ him because I love him." She's looking at him, now no longer trying to keep the tears back. They roll freely down her beautiful blue cheeks, which makes me want to hug her desperately. "And I love you too, Erik. All of us do. You're part of the family. But… well. I suppose there's nothing either of us can do if you don't feel the same way. I… I'd have spent a lifetime trying to make you proud… trying to be good enough to be your daughter, just as Charles has always been trying to be good enough to earn your love. Well. I guess it still wasn't enough for you."

With that she turns around and walks away.

**X**

She's sobbing now, blindly stumbling down a corridor she barely knows, and I'm desperately trying to calm her down, offering everything I can when I want to break down and cry myself.

I love you, I keep sending her, I love you so much! Oh, Raven, please… I love you!

I love you too.

She throws herself into my mental hug while fumbling for a handkerchief, approaching one of the doors close to Erik's.

I'm asking Azazel to take me home right now. He'll have to do it, or I'll kick him until he does.

It almost makes me chuckle.

I'm sorry! I shouldn't have let you go… I could've spared you that conversation.

That's alright. I've been wanting to yell at him really badly anyway.

Sending me a tear-dimmed smile she raises her fist to knock, before bursting into Azazel's room without waiting for him to ask her in.

He's been sleeping, obviously, but his eyes widen when he sees her face, and the clear traces of tears on her cheeks.

"Where do you want me to take you?" he simply asks, and there's anger in his eyes that seems to be directed towards Erik.

"Home," Raven sniffs and gives him a thankful smile.

He simply raises and extends a hand, returning her smile. "He's a bastard," is all he says, and a moment later they've left the room despite someone else is just bursting into it.

**X**

I've made it out of the shower and back into my clothes when Raven reaches my room, crying again.

Neither of us says a word as I wrap my arms around her and both of us shed tears over what used to be a family as close to perfect as is possible.

"Thanks," she murmurs after a few minutes of shared grief. "For looking after me, and for being there with me. I don't know… I couldn't have done it alone. Thanks. I love you."

"I love you, too," I murmur. "You… I can't even tell you how much you mean to me."

She smiles, although there's still tears running down her cheeks. "I think I've got an inkling," she answers. "After all, I know how much you mean to me."

Giving her a tearful smile I lead her towards my bed.

"You should sleep," I say. "It's been a long night."

"Will you stay?"

"Where else would I be?"

She hugs me again, before crawling into my bed and pulling me along until I'm lying next to her.

"Like Azazel said – he's a bastard," is the last thing she whispers before her eyelids droop.

**X**

I know that he's here the moment he arrives, despite the helmet.

The brush of my mind against Azazel's lasts only for a split second, but it's enough.

I'm still clothed, after having gone to take a shower when I connected with Raven, so I use the time it takes him to first walk to Raven's room, expecting to find her there, to peel myself out of the sheets without waking her and making for my office. For a moment I consider waking Hank, but then decide against it. The children shouldn't be drawn into this.

I wait in front of my study, waiting for him to pass it on his way to the kitchen.

It seems I still know him well enough to guess where he'll go looking for Raven.

He stops dead when he sees me leaning against the doorframe, obviously not having expected to run into me, not at this time of night. His fists clench the moment he lays eyes upon me, and anger distorts his beautiful features which are so very familiar.

It takes everything I have to carefully school my face into a blank mask, trying to hold myself together.

I won't cry, not in front of him.

He doesn't need to know how much he's really hurt me.

Opening the door behind me I motion for him so step in, waiting unmoving for him to comply.

"I'm here for Ra- … Mystique," he says, his voice so very distanced.

Just keep stomping onto the pieces of my heart, will you?

"She's asleep."

"I need to talk to her."

"Why? Haven't you done enough already?"

It's harder than anything I remember, to keep my voice indifferent.

His eyes blaze with fury. "What would you know about that?"

"What I know…" _is that you broke my heart. That you left me mere hours after promising to stay with me. That you almost let me die. _"… is that there are four teenagers who just lost their father, and who don't understand what they did wrong."

"_They_ did nothing wrong."

Ouch.

Was that really necessary?

As fiercely as he used to try and protect me against everything, as hard does he seem to by trying to hurt me now.

Needless to say, he's quite successful.

"Then why did you leave?"

He bores his eyes into mine, and they're hard as ice. "Don't you know that?"

Of course I do.

Because I was never enough, never _good_ enough.

He doesn't hear that, of course.

"So you're here – to do what? Make your apologies and play divorced parents, the father gets to see his kids every other weekend?"

I can see it in his eyes that this stung.

Seems I'm beginning to lose control.

Once again.

"Who says you'd be the one they'd live with? Who says they'd stay with you, if I asked them to come with me?"

Just like that, rage is rolling through me like a giant, destructive wave.

He gets to break my heart, he gets to leave me behind, he gets to hurt me, but he doesn't get to take the boys, or Raven.

However, before I can explode into his face we're interrupted.

"I do," an angry voice says from the door.

Whirling around I'm surprised to see Sean standing there. A quick mental check shows that my alert was going off all the time, that I was just too lost in my emotions to realize.

Bugger.

"We'd never leave the Professor, and certainly not for _you_."

Erik's face falls at that, and he seems to be genuinely hurt, but then the fury returns.

"Why not? Did I not care for you? Did I not look after you, do all I could? For you? Why stay with Charles?"

I'd really like to punch him right now.

"Because he didn't leave us, and he never would."

Alex, this time.

I don't even bother asking why they aren't sleeping as I see my metal desk lamp tremble with Erik's ire.

As my mind checks on them I realize that Raven's just waking up, and Hank's already on his way.

Bloody awesome.

So much for dealing with this on my own.

"What do you want me to say?"

"I don't know – maybe sorry?" I've never heard Sean's voice drip with sarcasm like that.

"I- … well, that's what I came here for. To say sorry."

"Then what are you waiting for?"

Hank's arrived, now, too.

Perfect.

It gets better – because Erik's looking at me a certain way, eyes cold as ice.

I'm almost relieved I'm not the one who understands first.

"You gotta be kidding me!" Hank explodes. "You're going to apologize to everyone but the one person you owe an apology the most? Jeez, Erik, how old are you? Five?"

With that he turns around and stomps off, but I know that he hasn't gone farther than three rooms down the corridor, listening in with his enhanced senses.

In the meantime, Raven's arrived.

This day just keeps getting better.

Erik's face crumbles when he sees her.

"I'm sorry."

He actually says it, but addressing only her.

"I… What you said… I do love you, and it honours me to know that you thought of me as a father. There… You've certainly done many things that made me proud, and in no way what you had to offer wasn't enough. All of you."

He couldn't be more clear that _all_ doesn't include me.

For a moment I actually contemplate jumping out of the window. This is the second floor… it might take me out until he's gone.

That'd be perfect, actually.

Raven's fingers close around mine.

It makes this a little more bearable, but still. I've got no strength left.

"Would you just leave?"

**X**

He's staring at me angrily, but I don't give him the chance to protest.

"This is still my house, my property. I won't keep the kids from meeting with you, discussing this, but I'll certainly keep you from trespassing. You've taken enough already, I won't give you my home as well."

With that I leave the room, pulling my hand from my sister's.

At the same time I send her an apology.

I'm sorry. I just can't take this anymore.

She understands.

You shouldn't have to. I'll see him out. Stay in, if you want to, and watch. Might be interesting.

I've already made it back to my room when she's finished, and decide to stay and watch despite everything.

I just wish I could let him go.

"Erik?" Raven asks sweetly, and for a moment I almost feel guilty when I see hope light up his eyes, but the pain's too strong to be forgotten.

My sister's voice drops quite a few degrees. "Out."

For a few moments he just stares at her, before tearing out of the room, burning with fury. "Charles!" he roars and it's audible all over the place. "You can't do this! You can't take the children from me! You don't have the _right_-"

Not even I have expected what happens next.

**X**

"Shut the fuck up!" Alex yells, holding his fist which has just made contact with Erik's nose, effectively silencing him.

"Who do you think you are? Do you have _any_ idea how much you hurt us? How much you hurt _Charles_?" I wish they'd leave me out of this. "We _trusted_ you! I would've gone to hell and back if you'd said it was necessary. Goddamnit, we were a _family_. And you… you just left. What's been broken here… you're the one who broke it, Erik. You're the one who hurt everyone, who doesn't even listen to explanations. You're the one who didn't trust _us_. You're the one who donned a helmet to keep your family out of your head." Huh. I'm impressed… and there's no way I can fight that single tear running down my cheek. "Everyone's made mistakes, yes, but you're the one who's made the most and you're so damn self-righteous about it. I still love you, and I probably always will, because God, you're my father. But never the less, I don't want to see your sorry face ever again."

"Seconded," Hank, who's returned to the corridor after the ruckus Erik caused, growls.

They've stopped in front of my room, and I don't need to be in anyone's mind to hear what they say. However, I don't see them, and I'm most definitely not going out there.

What would I do without Raven?

She's looking at him, like everyone else – and so all of us see the way Erik's eyes suddenly begin to glisten.

"You… don't want to see me… ever again," he repeats, slowly, and now it's his voice that sounds defeated. "Well. Then I guess I should leave. I… I'm sorry I just lost my control like that. I… I'm just sorry."

And with that he walks towards the staircase.

The moment he's made it around the corner the kids huddle together.

"Should we stop him?"

It's Sean who asks, his eyes wide and sad.

"I won't," Hank says angrily.

"Me neither," Alex immediately agrees.

Raven hesitates.

Charles?

I know I've already made my decision.

I won't run after him. If he takes off the helmet… I'll talk to him, but I won't ask him to stay.

She nods, mentally and for the boys to see.

"Charles'll talk to him if he takes off the helmet."

Sean nods as well. "That's a good idea. He has to make the first step, and he has to make it towards the Professor. I like it. So… back to bed?"

I look at the window.

The sun's rising, painting the sky all kinds of cheesy colours.

It takes all of my self-control not to stand up and look at the driveway, watch him leave.

My heart's still broken.

**X**

I didn't think that he'd be doing it, I really didn't.

He's already left the property and gone about a mile northwards when I feel that heavy veil that's separating us being lifted.

For a moment I think it'll help, that it'll ease the pain, but then I realize that this empty place in my mind feels even emptier, now that Erik's mind back out there, but not going where it belongs.

I don't approach him.

If he wants a conversation, he'll have to be the one to start it.

Still, I follow him as he walks even farther, slowly, as if trying to sort his thoughts.

I'm keeping away from them, close enough to feel him but far enough not to touch his mind.

I'm waiting for a thought to make it through, for something to be sent towards me, and I'm really close to giving up and going to join the kids for breakfast when a two words make it through.

I'm sorry.

I've heard that already.

So am I.

Look, Charles, I-

I interrupt him, deciding to keep this short. I don't want any cheap apologies. We've moved past a point where I could accept them, and also, I don't have any strength left

It's okay.. It so isn't. You don't have to explain yourself. I know I'm not enough, not good enough for you, but that's alright. Just… just don't hurt the children any more.

What follows is a stretch of silence that goes one for at least a minute.

When he finally answers his mental voice sounds perplexed, shocked even.

Charles… You were always way _too_ good for me, Charles. The laughter that follows is bitter. I… that's the last thing I wanted. To make you feel like it was any shortcoming on your part that made me choose to leave in the first place. Before… I even saw you, like this. He sighs. Tonight… or rather today… I said lots of things I never meant to say, to all of you. I… I'm hurt, Charles, and I was always so sure that you'd never hurt me… that I'd be hurting _you_, ultimately, but never the other way round… and I guess because of that it hurt all the more. Keeping something like that mutation from me… god, I felt betrayed. And guilty.

He's stopped walking by now, sitting down on a flat fence along the street.

I let him talk.

I… I'm not strong enough to answer, emotionally.

It still hurts too much.

I… there was a time, when I didn't know that everything comes with a price. When I still thought that I'd be loved just… _because_. When my mother was still alive. You… you've seen my memories, Charles, you've been a part of me and I of you as our minds began to blend… but you promised me that you've never gone to those darkest, most private corners of my mind, and that you'd never go there without my permission. I'm sure you'd say you didn't, and by now… I believe you. Because if you'd been there, you'd know how I spent every single day of our relationship doubting your love, and you wouldn't have let me get away with that.

I can't help but suck in a sharp breath.

Erik-

Please, Charles – let me finish.

He sighs again, and I can feel how hard this is for him.

Like I said, I've learned that everything has a price… and that there was no one left who'd love me, just for who I am. And then you came along, and saved my life as if I was a fucking damsel in distress, and… there was no way not to fall for you. But I always knew that I couldn't have you for nothing, that you wouldn't love me if I didn't pay the price. I… it took me long enough to figure out what that price was, as I thought. When we went to collect the other mutants, and started training them, I finally knew. Shaw was my destiny, my business… but he also was the CIA's, and, by association, yours. You'd need me to help take him out, simple as that. And as soon as we'd have accomplished that… it'd be over. I'd have nothing left to pay the price with.

I want to scream, to cry, to yell at him, but he asked me to let him finish, and-

God, I need to know.

_Zwei Seelen wohnen, ach! in meiner Brust_, as Goethe would've put it. _Two souls alas! are dwelling in my breast_. I'd been waiting for so long to finally take out Shaw… but I knew, as soon as we managed to, I'd lose you. It was like being at war with myself. I… well, you didn't want to kill Shaw, but you weren't going to let him start a nuclear war, either. I never found out why you agreed to let freeze him in the end.

I can't help but butt in here.

Because I knew that you'd go after him if we just took him out. That I wouldn't be enough to hold you, with him still out there.

He sends me a weak mental smile.

Both of us _knew_ quite a lot, hmm? Anyway. As I was saying… I was more than convinced that you'd leave me once we'd gotten rid of Shaw, and you didn't need me any longer. You'd do it gently, of course, 'cause you wouldn't want to hurt me more than necessary… and maybe you'd take your time… but in the end, you'd do it. So, I decided to spare you the inconvenience. I knew you'd be hurt… but you'd get over it soon enough. After all… it was just me… right? I…

He mentally clears his throat.

I knew that from the beginning, that I'd lose you in the end. And I was sure I could deal with that… but then I came to care for the kids, to love them, too, to experience what being part of a family would feel like… and I began to understand that I wouldn't be able to accept losing all of you. So, when it came up today… I lashed out, and I'm very sorry for that. I was just going to leave, actually, and leave you be, but I figured… I should say sorry. I never wanted to hurt any of you, and when I realized that I did… also, Raven mentioned, at some point, that you were always trying so hard, to make me happy. Alex said that I'd hurt _you_. I… I never wanted to do that, so… and then you answered, and… I've never heard anything more ridiculous than you saying that you weren't good enough for me.

He actually chuckles at that, but it's rather sad than anything else.

I don't even realize I've left my bedroom until now, finding myself standing in front of the door.

Well.

I guess there was never any other option anyway.

Absent-mindedly calling for the kids that I'll be out, that they should eat without me, I make for North, waiting for Erik to continue.

Like I said – ridiculous. But, sad as it is, it got me thinking. I… god, I was just so terribly angry. At myself. That I couldn't deal with this, with you, no matter that I'd known it'd end like this from the beginning. That you kept something like the mutation from me. Because, it seemed like the final proof. I figured it showed that you didn't even care enough to tell me. That you were making up excuses, in order to spare me the pain. I… I was seeing ghosts where there were none, and I was hurting everyone because of it, and I'm terribly sorry. I… really, truly never thought you actually loved me. If I had… I'd never left you, never, I swear. I love you, Charles.

I hesitate for a moment, but I know, it's useless.

In the end I'll say it anyway. However, there's something I need to know first.

What about Frost? I… was with Raven when she arrived.

I can almost feel him pale.

I… He gulps. You remember how I work on pain and anger? Well… I had plenty of that. Actually… it was a lot of things. It was too much energy, yes, it was desperation, it was the wish to forget for a few moments at least… and it was also Emma getting off on authority figures. She started it… and I was too weak and angry to say no.

I sense his sincerity, and quicken my pace.

I love you, too. I… I never thought you could ever doubt that. I thought that you knew there was nothing I wouldn't do for you. I thought… I thought that you trusted me as much as I trusted you.

He hasn't gone all that far, having slowed down at the end.

I'm coming closer, I can feel it – my mind calling out for his.

I'm sorry he answers. It wasn't you I didn't trust. It was me – and my worth.

I don't know if I can trust you that easily again, I warn him. It may take some time.

Not much farther.

I've broken into a jog.

God, I want to see him, feel him, _hold_ him.

Would you… allow me a place in your life again in which you would need to trust me?

I slow down.

I… he _did_ say that he loves me, right?

Don't get me wrong, he adds, hastily. There's nothing I wish for more. Just… I didn't think… you'd take me back, after what I did.

Oh, you stupid idiot!

"How could I not take you back?"

His head, which has been buried in his hands, shoots upwards when he hears me talk to him outside his mind.

"Charles!" he breathes and then he's jumped up, crossing the remaining distance with a few wide steps, before stopping in front of me. "God, Charles."

I've never seen him this insecure.

Hesitatingly – I'm still not entirely sure this is real – I reach for his fingers, raising my other hand to wipe away the tears on his cheek.

He slowly angles his head, until our foreheads are touching.

"I'm so sorry!" he whispers, and then- "You're not hiding anymore."

I watch him carefully, looking for any sign of disgust, but all I see in his wide eyes is wonder, and love.

"God, you're beautiful."

I actually blush.

**X**

"With you," I murmur, "there's no reason to hide. But, Erik – please. Never… never again promise me to come home when you don't want to."

"I never did," he whispers. "I've always wanted to come home, and I always will. I just thought… I just thought that I couldn't."

Just then, his stomach rumbles.

I snicker softly.

"We should go back. I… you owe the others an apology, and your stomach some breakfast. Also, you owe your people an explanation, and me lots of time… alone, in my room. Moreover, it's going to rain. Soon."

He gives me a confused look. "I agree about everything… but... the rain?"

I raise an eyebrow, finally pulling my hand away from his cheek – the other is still entwined with his – and starting to walk back towards the Mansion. "So Raven didn't mention my meteorological characteristics?"

"Your _what_?"

Instead of answering make one of the flames jump from my hand to his where they're clasped.

He breathes in sharply.

"That's… interesting."

I give him a toothy grin. Maybe Raven's right. I definitely need to investigate this.

But first, we should get home, before the downpour begins.

**X**

We're still holding hands when we reach the Mansion.

It's as sweet and reassuring as it's cheesy and ridiculous, and I'm certainly not going to release his fingers until I have to.

I can sense everyone in the kitchen, which is perfect, because Erik won't have to go and hunt them all down.

Smiling at him I open the door, only to see a laid table and what we've come to know as Sean's starving face. Also, Erik is on the receiving end of four angry, distrustful glares.

Well.

This is my cue I suppose.

"I did tell you to eat, didn't I?" I ask with a sceptical glance at Sean's empty plate while I pull Erik towards the seats we always used to occupy.

I can't help but smile at that – always.

However, it reminds me of how Erik thought that the piece of perfection we had here was nothing more than an illusion that'd collapse as soon as he'd lost his use.

"We were waiting for you." Raven's eyebrows are raised, but there's no hatred in her features, only doubt.

"Yeah, you taught us to always eat together. Now, can we please start eating? I'm _starving_." He's no longer looking at Erik or me, but at a plate filled with cheese and bacon.

Sometimes I love him for is absolute disinterest in anything but food when he's hungry.

"Please, tuck in."

I can't help but chuckle.

Neither Hank nor Alex is moving.

"Would you hand me the Earl Grey, please?"

The pot's made of metal, and Erik's called it towards us before any of the others can move.

I pour myself a cup, and add the usual amount of milk and sugar.

"Will you ever stop trying to determine the saturation concentration?"

The comment is so very Erik that it makes Hank and Alex relax, and finally start eating as well.

"You know, it's not an experiment on finding the concentration, but on working out how much sugar I need to add for you to get toothaches just from watching."

Shaking his head fondly he reaches for the butter, and I can feel Raven forgiving him.

He's family, after all, and every one of us wants him to stay more than anything else.

**X**

I give Erik just about enough time to apologize to the kids, sincerely and once again with his eyes glistening, before I pull him towards my room.

It's not that I'm that desperate – I just need to have him to myself.

And according to Raven's smile when I tell them not to wait for us when they're having lunch she does understand that.

Erik locks the door once I've closed it behind us and we almost stumble into each other, both of us trying to be as close to the other as humanly possible.

Or mutantly possible, which is quite a bit closer… but I'm not going to ask for access to his mind just yet.

Instead I pull the curtains closed, keeping the sun out, before dragging Erik over to my bed.

He stops there, and just stares at me for what feels like an eternity, before agonizingly slowly moving to meet my lips with his. As torturing as it is, as beautiful is it, and I'm not going to let that moment slip. Instead I wait, enjoying the anticipation, and the way his fingers tremble between mine, and the way our minds are growing closer as well.

He finally kisses me, then, and what starts as careful assessing of the situation quickly moves on to desperately clinging to each other, pressing close, trying to be _one_ again.

I'm not quite sure I want to sleep with him yet, not after what's happened, but I'm well aware that it'll happen anyway.

That both of us need that reassurance.

We part to just look at each other, to enjoy being together again, and when he stares at me, wonder in his eyes… I know that I'm lost, even farther than before.

And I don't care a scrap.

He's taking in the black flames, carefully trying to touch one, and they're not evading him. They're part of me, after all, and I'm simply incapable of avoiding his touch.

He admires the patterns of the fire on my skin and in my hair, and I know where this is going before he even moves to relieve me of my cardigan.

"I want to see all of them," he whispers. "Every single one. I want to see you… like you are, hiding nothing."

I want to worship you, because, God, you're beautiful!

I allow him to make short work of my belt while taking the chance to pull his pullover over his head.

Before I can get started on his shirt, though, he pushes me onto the bed, lying on my back, and takes to work on the buttons of mine. Standing between my legs, which is quite distracting to be honest, he very slowly uncovers more and more skin, never missing to let his fingers run over the flames, and-

Huh.

It seems they can be quite sensitive to other things than the ambient air as well.

When I come too close to losing control I stop him, sitting up and trying to return some of that sweet torture as I reach for his shirt. He, however, stops me and unceremonially takes it off.

"Today," he murmurs, and his voice is beyond sensual "is all about you, Charles."

And with that he takes to getting rid of my trousers, once again almost painfully slowly.

**X**

He makes very sure to tease me, almost making me go crazy with what I'm feeling.

I couldn't even say how he ended up naked as well, for that surely wasn't my work, but I most definitely don't complain – and the moment he's touching me firestorms are whirling across his skin, and, oh it's so very easy to let them flicker across his body. He's part of me, after all, so I'm feeling no strain, no urge to pull them back.

Remembering what Raven said I manage to turn us around before drawing all the flames to his chest and then making them dance.

This is like a first time, the two of us exploring my new mutation together, and it's mind-blowing.

Erik insists that this is about me, and that I don't have to trust him yet – but that he trusts me, and that it's about time he loses his virginity anyway.

Although I certainly do like to feel him inside me I agree, relieved – because the trust is still an issue, like he said, but I want to, _need_ to, become one with him again.

So he offers me what he's offered to no one before, and I knit our minds back together, so tightly that it'll hardly be possible to separate them again, and he's asking me to visit those darkest corners while we're breathing in tandem, my flames dancing across his body, making this all the more delicious, and I take him around my mind, show him how much he really means to me, and oh-

_Erik._.

**X**

The rain is pounding against the window as he's spooning me, pulling the blanket across both of us.

We're tired, exhausted even, but I couldn't be any happier.

And as I cuddle into him, enjoying his warmth in my back and the weight of his arm across my hips, it's easy to catch what he's thinking.

How can I even deserve him?

Because you're paying the price. Your love is the price for my love.

At first he freezes, but then he's exhaling in relief and laughing quietly.

"You're the best that's ever happened to me, Charles. Don't expect me to ever let you go."

"I should hope so," I mumble, already half asleep.

He presses a soft kiss into my flickering hair, before burying his face in it.

There's no place I'd rather be.


End file.
